Facing my computer.

I have been home from the hospital for a week today.  While I lay in a hospital bed for 5 days, I constantly thought about this blog.(well and my four little kids that I missed dearly, I thought about them most; but I thought about this blog too) …and don’t get me wrong; I am always thinking about my sweet husband too, but he was right there by my side through it all.  My kids were not allowed to visit at the hospital; 5 days without seeing them seemed like an eternity.

Yes, I thought about how much I missed blogging.  I thought about what I was going to write once I got home.  I thought about how I should write as soon as I got home.  I also thought about how important it was for me to get back here.  I knew this is one of the places that keeps me happy.  It is place for me to share, learn, and grow.  It is also a place for me to share words and photos; which are 2 of my favorite things.  I miss this place. 

So yesterday, I finally got the courage to face my computer.  I was a little nervous.  I was so afraid that it will make me feel melancholy and anxious.  I was afraid that I would beat myself up that I have missed recording so much in the last few months.  I was also afraid that I would feel overwhelmed by the amount of emails, information, and blogs that I haven’t kept up with. 

Then… the strangest thing happened: when I opened my Gmail account it said that I was almost out of space.  After a time consuming event of trying to figure out why; I discovered Google had backed up all my photos.  Google was storing all my photos which was the culprit for taking up all the space.  I needed to delete all of them from the storage, and can I tell you what fun that was for me.  What I looked at as a anxious filled time getting back to my computer ended in an afternoon spent reminiscing and enjoy memories.  It actually sparked the fire under my bottom to get back here.  It made me smile to see amazing pictures from years past and even think about the memories attached to them. 

It reminded me why I blog, why I record, and why I take pictures.

Instead of making myself feel bad for what I have missed over the last few months, this little mishap made me proud and giddy about all the things I have recorded.  I am thankful for that little mistake Google made backing up my photos.  It felt good to see photos that I haven’t seen in a while.  It also put a warm feeling in my heart that reminded me that I do want to be here.  It is time to come back and share at JandA&Co. 

I think all along I have wanted to be here.  Almost everyday, I would think about what I wanted to share.  To be honest with you, I haven’t had the energy and that is what it all comes down too. 

So… here I am.  Happy to be here.  Happy to once again be sharing words and photos.  Happy to see my energy slowly coming back.

I had a hard time trying to decide where to start.  I decided the best place to start is to share the story of where I have been the last few months. 

…and because I have been ill the last few months and I don’t want to share any pictures about that.   I am going to decorate my story with pictures of what my family has been doing all winter while I have been ill.  These are happy pictures, I hope they make you happy too:

 

(All four kids and Jonathan have spent every spare moment skiing this winter.  Jonathan has spent many days taking the kids to the slopes, preparing them for lessons, and helping them learn to ski.  I know this has not been easy for him, and has been a big task to undertake.  I am so thankful because all four of the kids caught the fever, they are excellent skiers, and they love it. Thanks Jonathan for giving them this opportunity.)

So thanks to Jonathan for dedicating your winter to our kids, and also helping me through this trying time.

So… more about this past trial… with pictures of winter skiing mixed in. (because I can’t write without sharing pictures)

Where have I been?

Last time I was here, I shared how I had my appendix out; and then ended up sick again.

I told you I would be having some tests done to figure out what was wrong.

I ended up having lots of test.

 

After weeks of continuously being sick, being poked and prodded, not keeping food down, and loosing pound after pound; they finally decided what was wrong:

My gall bladder.

So on March 6th, I was scheduled for my second stomach surgery in 4 weeks.

I went in for the same day procedure; and woke up in misery.

The nurse and doctor assured me it was just the pain from the surgery and the co2 gas they filled my abdomen with working it’s way out.

I went home to recover, and thought my pain from the surgery would get better with time.

Only the pain just got worse and worse.

After 2 days of hanging out at home in agony; my dad and Jonathan carried me to the car to take me back to the ER.

I spent 7 hours in the ER while they did painful ultrasounds, CT scans, and exams.

At 4a.m. they discovered my abdomen was full of fluid and took me back for an emergent laparotomy.

A laparotomy is a surgery which involves a large incision to gain access into the abdominal cavity. When they told me I would need a laparotomy I didn’t know what that meant.  I could tell by the look on my husbands face that it wasn’t good.

They opened me up and went through every inch of my stomach trying to find out where the fluid was coming from.

Turns out I had a bile leak that was coming from my liver. 

I have 2 accessory bile ducts that most people don’t have and when they detached my gall bladder from my liver they were simply missed because most people don’t have them.

(my neighbor suggested that I stop accessorizing;  ha. ha.  this made me laugh)

Only laughing hurts so bad, so I try not to laugh. Even though laughing brings the sunshine.

This leak was the reason for all my post gall bladder surgery pain.

This is complication that can happen, but doesn’t happen very often.

Following the surgery, I spent 5 more days in the hospital.

Because of how extensive the surgery was, and having 2 surgeries so close together; my pain was intense.

I was given an epidural for 3 days to help get me through the pain.

I was so thankful for that epidural.

I learned a lot about myself during those 5 days in the hospital. 

I hope to share more about what I have learned here on this blog.

It was important for me to first start with the experience.

I am home now.

I have been home for a week now. 

I am still learning a lot about myself.

That is why it is so important for me to be here.

It’s important for me to share the experiences life gives me; and how I grow from them.

When hard things happen we can choose one of two roads.

We can be mad and upset that this kind of stuff happens to us or…

we can find all of the good things that happen to us along the way, and learn lessons from the hard things.

I am choosing to follow the second road.

I hope I can share more of that with you here in the next few weeks.

I am happy to be back here.

Thank you to everyone who offered prayers in my behalf.

Your prayers were felt.

P.S.  Don’t I have the cutest little bunch of skiers ever?

I feel lucky.

I am lucky.

I am happy to be back here facing my computer.

What I have learned Thursdays… I should read my blog more.

I used to do a series here on my blog called; “What I have learned Thursdays.”  I miss that series.  I am going to start doing it more.  I am not committing to every Thursday, but I am going to try hard to do it as often as I can.

This series is about sharing all the little things that I learn while on life’s journey.

I wanted to share something I have learned that has made such an impression on me. 

Over New Year’s weekend, I somehow started reading some posts from my blog; again.

I randomly went through reading posts that were from the years past.  I bet I read about 50 posts.

What it taught me?

It reminded me that I am blessed.  That I have been given so many blessings along the way.  I’m thankful I wrote them down so I could remember some of them.

I read some stories that I had forgotten about.  I am so thankful I have them recorded.  This post shares a story about Tess in it that brought me to tears.  I was happy to have that brought back to my memory.

Reading my blog reminded me that I do more as a mom then I think, and I need to give myself more credit.  It also reminded me that I have simplified life some.  I think that is for the better, but I also wish I could do all that I used too.  Our busy life doesn’t warrant that now; and that’s ok. 

I also had to laugh at how I used to count my days in 20 minute increments.  Now my 20 minutes are spent doing different things.  I think I take life 1 minute at a time now.  These older kids tend to keep me on my toes.  Instead of sitting around nursing babies and changing diapers, I am running kids to and fro, and mentally trying to remember every detail of 6 peoples lives.  Oh, how quickly life changes.

It reminded me that those days of medical school, residency, and those 4 small kids were such a good time.  I wish I would have cherished them more.  You know how everyone tells you they go fast?  Well they do.  I am thankful I wrote down some of the things I was grateful for; especially during a time when we lived far away from family and our children were so little, and I was growing so much as a person.

I am also so grateful that photos are important to me.  Sometimes the photos say more than the words.  Taking pictures can really take effort sometimes.  I am grateful I made the time, and sometimes the days that I kept it simple or just recorded the little daily moments; are the images that came out speaking the loudest.

I enjoyed reading this post about my deep sadness that my baby days are over.  It is fun to think back to the time of bringing home a newborn, and realize that even now I feel that same twinge of sadness.  Then I remember how good life is to now be raising those babies; and I’m ok again.

  

I love how reading those words make me want to vow to treasure the little things all over again; just like I did that day I wrote the post.

Sometimes when I re-read my blog, I answer my own questions.  My own words can even help me with my own self-improvement.  Many times I read ideas that helped me previously that I had forgotten all about.

For example: This year one of my new year’s resolutions is to judge less. Especially judge my own immediate family less. I found a post with this great story that I had linked to earlier.  It reminded me of the effects of passing judgments; especially to our immediate family members.  Hmmmm.  Just what I was wanting to work on.  Amazing how words from 5 years ago can help me now.

I stumbled upon these words that I wrote about Isaac when he was 3; they are helping me to understand Isaac know.  This is something I have been working on.

I wrote on Dec. 15, 2010: “Right now, I am enjoying Isaac so much.  Even when he throws fits with the best of them, I have begun to understand that he is animated in all he does.  His fits are over the top, but that just means his love, smiles, and excitement are too.”

Even now, at age 7, I can be reminded that he is animated in all he does.  That is just who he has always been.  It helps me when making decisions for discipline and my own reactions to situations.

This year I wanted to remember to apply one of my 10 mother’s little secrets; calm equals power.  Then I stumbled on this quote here on my blog:

“Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words.  Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet.” Elder Bushe

Even more reason to calm down.

I enjoyed reading and remembering about those times in my life that defined who I am today.  Reflecting upon that only helps solidify who I am still becoming.

Reading about our traditions reminds me why I do them.  I have always thought that traditions are the glue in any family.

 

I enjoyed most reading some of my most sacred posts about motherhood.  They each reminded me that I am a daughter of God, and his gift to me are these children.

These sacred posts taught me about sacrifice, happiness, some of my best days as a mother, some of my hardest days as a mother, and why I am the best mom for the job of raising my 4 littles.

So.

Now.

That you know.

It’s time to write. 

Write a blog.

Write in a notebook. 

Write on an index card. 

Write on a sticky note. 

I promise you that you will never ever regret having your own words in a safe place.  They will teach more than you know.

Oh, and passing the habit along to your children; is a great idea too…

…and that’s what I have learned.

Why I write to my kids.

A few years back I started writing to my kids via a journal.

They each have their own journal.

When I write to them, and I don’t do it often enough; I leave the journal on their bed.

Then they can write back to me and they leave it on my bed.

I hope this journal serves as a safe place for our children to share any problems or concerns that they may have; a place to share openly and freely.

I also hope that it will be a place to look back, and reflect, and realize how much I love them.

What I didn’t realize is how much strength it would give me.

What I didn’t realize is how it could help me realize that my kids do love me and how they do realize how I try to serve them.

That’s what we as mothers do; we serve our kids.  Often times that goes unnoticed.

How wonderful it is to have kind note from your kids.

Sometimes those words help you realize that what you are doing is important.

These words have been such a gift to me:

Everything is great! I love you and think that you are so great a being a mom.

*you blog

*you cook

*you know style

How could every kid not love you?

I hope your arm gets better and the doctors in SLC can figure it out.

                                                           Love, Jex

Reading the words, “How could every kid not love you?”, made my day.

Reading “you know style”, made me laugh. (he recently realized that he values my opinion when it comes to fashion and hairstyles; which makes me feel good that my tweenager values my opinion.)

Reading “I hope your arm gets better and the doctors in SLC can figure it out”, makes me proud that I am raising a boy who cares and shows concern for others.

This little thing of writing to my kids taught me so much about being a mother.

So I have a resolution to write more, mostly for my kids; but also for myself.

Catching Up...

I must say that I hate how horrible I have been at this blogging thing lately.  The reason being my lack of recording all the memories.  Having our Fourth child has thrown a wrench in my time for such things.  This is the time that I should be recording.  Our little girl is growing right before our eyes, and I haven't stopped to write any feelings or thoughts down.

This post is for just that.  It is not one of those fun posts with a great idea or a thought.  It is more a chance to record some memories and feelings.

Tessa

 Meaning: Fourth Child

Our fourth pregnancy brought about many challenges.  Those last few weeks were enough to make me nuts.  We went to the hospital on two separate occasions with contractions.  How can a woman with 3 children not know if it is true labor?  Well let me tell you when it came I KNEW!!  

On Thursday October 22, 2009 I was having lunch with my mom, Luann and Paige.  I had a few contractions.  We left the restaurant at 2:00.  Still a few more contractions, and at 4:00 I was grasping the table.  I told Jonathan to take a shower.  At 5:00 we were off, and all checked in by 5:30,  I WAS IN PAIN!!!  They were coming fast and hard.  There is something to be said for mental preparation.  I was so prepared to have natural births with the first 3.  I knew with this one that I wanted to try the epidural route.  I was not ready for the pain, nor willing to deal with it.

Once I was all settled in, I found out that I was a five and 90% effaced.   YEAH!! give me the drugs. Man it felt good to say that.  The anesthesiologist said, "Welcome to the 20th century."  I guess we do live in a modern world huh.  Too bad it took me until baby #4 to figure that out.  Lesson learned.

Ahh... relief.  Until I suddenly realized that I was still feeling pain on my right side.  I am thankful for a nurse who knows the tricks, and worked that situation out.  Once the pain subsided, the on-call doctor showed up.  A wonderful man, the oldest in the practice; Dr. Simmons.  He quickly broke my water.  Then in a gentle way he rested his hand on my arm and offered a word of prayer. 

  15 minutes later I was complete and ready to push.  I think I had a look of shock on my face.  I did not expect to be ready so quickly.

Dr. Simmons was worried that I wasn't going to able to push her out when he realized that her head was not in the right position.  Boy was he surprised when I had her out in 3 pushes. I was even more surprised when I looked at the clock and it was only 6:54.  WOW!! Why didn't I know that I could have a baby so quickly with pain medication?

Much to our surprise Tessa had a cord around her neck.  She was taken immediately to the nurse.  They cleaned her all up, weighed her, and checked out every square inch of her.  All while I waited impatiently to feed my little one.

When all was said and done, Dr. Simmons kissed me on the head and said, " Well done girl."  I would take a hundred of you any day."

Then I held her.  Those nine months were finally all worth it.

We spent one wonderful night in the hospital.  She slept all the way through, and had an enjoyable day the next.  It was full of nursing, snuggles, kisses and awful hospital food.

When the 24 hour mark came we packed it up and headed home.  We were greeted by our 3 kiddos who were anxious and waiting.  They each took a turn holding her and loving her.  We put them all to bed, and I enjoyed an enjoyable 8 hours of solid sleep in my own bed.  YES!! Another night of sleeping straight through.  They best part of it all was that I was in my own bed.  I didn't have to listen to carts rolling down the hall in the night, the crying baby in the next room.  I wasn't woken up by the nurse checking my vitals at 4 am, and I even got to have my choice of cuisine for breakfast.  I didn't know if leaving the hospital so soon was a decision that I would regret or enjoy.  I must say it was the most enjoyable decision I had made.

The days that followed her birth were wonderful.  I recovered so well, with little pain.  I felt and still feel like a new woman.  A hard pregnancy has a tendency to get a girl down.  You start to believe that you may never feel normal again.  What a relief it was that I do, and that I don't feel the need to take a nap everyday.  To be honest, I don't have the time.

Tessa is a beautiful fourth child, and a wonderful addition to our home.  I would do it all again to have her in our life.

My Mommy

6 days after Tessa's birth I took my mom to the airport so she could fly home.  After our hug, I climbed back in the car and had tears rolling down my face.  Stella asked, "Why are you crying?"  I thought quickly and put it in terms she might understand and said, "because I miss my mommy."

There is something to be said for having your mother around.  They just get you.  There were so many times during her visit that she helped me problem solve, and came up with wonderful solutions.

She was so fun and her company warmed our home.

While she was here she spent some wonderful time with the kids.  Including reading Halloween stories that she brought them, and having a Halloween party.  It was so fun.  She made a spooky gingerbread with the kids, and then let them trick or treat at the door.  They thought it was good practice, and really fun.

 

I am grateful that my Mommy taught me how to be a good mommy to my children.   I like having her in my home to be a part of raising my own, even if it is just for a few days.  I like to think that it makes her proud to watch me with my own children, following her example of mothering.

Frightful site, Beautiful Night

Halloween was great.  Our costumes turned out fun, and after I got over my attitude we enjoyed a nice night at The Bradfords.  Papa hooked up his flat bed trailer to the truck and filled it with Hay.  We enjoyed a nice hay ride around the neighborhood.

It was a beautiful night, and I was quickly taken back to me childhood.  I loved seeing the streets filled with all those children. 

My favorite part was watching Isaac.  He made the cutest little trick or treater.

I was grateful that I could steal away a few moments from the newborn to spend with the older 3.  It had been a little while since I have had some quality time with them.

Pumpkin Patch

Stella's school field trip was put on hold several times because of rain.  It turned out that it finally happened on a day that Jonathan had off.  I think that was meant to be.  It was just days after Tess was born, so he went with her.

I think this will always be a precious memory for her.  A school outing with dad.  What a special day.

A first for everything

In Arkansas, (redneck country)  you only have to be six to deer hunt.  There is also a special youth hunt when only kids can use their rifle. 

Jonathan decided to take Jex.  I must explain for you Utah natives.  Hunting out here is much different.  There is no walking around searching out deer.  Out in the Ozarks, you wait around in a deer stand all day for the perfect prize.

Jex waited and waited all day, and then decided upon a doe just minutes before dark.  He waited patiently for the deer to turn broadside, and when he did only a split-second passed before he pulled the trigger.  The bullet went right through his heart.

As a family, we are very thankful to have deer meat to eat, and then we also feed the hungry.  There are many in our ward who take the meat off our hands, and then we also donate it to the food bank.

There are plenty of deer here.  They are growing rapidly so the limit here is 4 per person.  Jonathan has enjoyed hunting this season.  He is a member of a deer club, and hunts at a special camp.  He has spent this year getting his stand and area ready by feeding them corn and watching them on special cameras. 

I think he was more excited then Jex about the deer.  It was a special day for both of them.

Out of the house

For the first few weeks after the baby was born I pretty much stayed in side.  Well,  I still do.  I have avoided going anywhere with big crowds and lots of germs.

However, one Sunday when Tess was about 2 weeks old we took a ride up to Petit Jean.  A Campground and beautiful spot in Arkansas.  We enjoyed the scenery, and the fall leaves.

We went up with Paige and Luann and enjoyed a nice picnic. 

It felt so good to get out of the house.

Homemade History

Jonathan's parents came for a short visit soon after Tessa's birth.  They enjoyed meeting their 18th grandchild for the first time.

They spoiled the kids with their Christmas gifts.  Lorene made very special homemade gifts for the kids.  She made Stella a new pink comfy blanket.  Jex a pillow that had been embroidered by his dad when he was a child, and a movie pillow for Isaac. 

Isaac's pillow says, "All Star Kid."  He now walks around saying, "I an all star kid."  So adorable.

Jonathan had put his initials JBS on the stitching.  Jex said, "This is a piece of history because I am the fourth JBS.  Jex Blaine Swenson; isn't he just so amazing?

Thankful

This year we stayed on the home front.  It was so nice to spend the morning cooking and hanging out with Jonathan. 

We shared the day with the Bradfords and a few other friends.  Dinner was wonderful.

I made homemade rolls, sweet potato souffle, pecan pie bars and gooey butter cakes.

I enjoyed being back in the kitchen.

After a great meal, we went out to a movie.  It was so fun.  Tessa did great.

That day I realized what great kids we have.  They all behaved so well.  Not to many people can take 4 kids seven and under to the movie and have it go off with out a hitch.

I was counting my blessings for my kids.  I have much to be Thankful for.

Merry Christmas to me. 

I went ahead and gave myself a Christmas present I booked myself a flight  to.....

( read on to find out where and why)