Like a serious migraine, like lay in the dark and wear your sunglasses, headache.
And… I have had it since last Friday. Yes. Today is Friday. So that means a week.
One week of straight headache.
I want to claw my eyes out, but then my husband reminds me that he likes my green eyes so I decide to keep them.
I have never had a headache this long, I guess it’s time to get that neck surgery huh?
There have been times in the last week that I have wanted to back out, and then I remember:
“Oh yeah, I have a headache, I think I’ll have that surgery.”
My head feels like this:
I want it to feel like this:
The main reason I have feelings of backing out of that surgery is because of my cute kiddos.
I just don’t want them to have to go through all of that again. (remember the 3 surgeries last year?)
I hate that there are days that they make their own breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
I hate that I’m not there to help with a project, or do their hair for a dance recital.
I don’t want to be the mom who parents from her bed AGAIN; while I recover.
Then, I remember I have a headache, and I’m pretty much doing that now anyway.
So…. what could it hurt. This surgery will help(all of you are crossing your fingers right now, right?). When it helps, I won’t have headaches for 7 days, and I will be able to sit through all of church, and not feel like biting my own arm off. I will feel like being the mom I want to be. The one with the super mom cape flapping in the wind. Ok, truthfully. I really just envision being that mom, but very rarely pull it off.(neck pain or not)
The least I can do is try and hope this surgery will help. If I don’t go through with the surgery I will never know. Then I’ll probably end up doing surgery on myself anyway. You know, chewing off my own arm.
So… I’m going to STOP feeling guilty that my kids and husband won’t have me, or haven’t had me the way I think they should in the last few years. It’s life, and what we go through is what defines us.
My little trial is not only defining me, but also my kids. Even though it pains me, because I want to be able to do it for her, I love that my 5 year old can make her own lunch. She’s got this. She can pretty much take care of herself. If it wasn’t against the law, I could probably leave her home alone, and she could run the whole household.
Just last night, we were working on the laundry together, as a whole family. This week long headache was cause for me to call in the troops for laundry back-up. Tess was telling all of the kids how to do it, what buttons to push, and which basket it goes in. The older kids would argue with her, and I would have to say, “no, she is right.” I finally said, “if you don’t know what you are doing, just listen to Tessa.”
Even though I thought it was a bad thing that I couldn’t do everything, look how great it turned out; Tess can do laundry.
I have learned through this process that we don’t, and can’t always be super mom. Our life circumstances prevent us from being the person we want or imagine ourselves to be all the time.
….and THAT’S OK.
I recently heard a quote from Michelle Duggar(19 kids and counting). She was referring to the time that they had their last baby Josie at 25 weeks. She was talking about what it was like for her kids. How life changed for them when Michelle had to dedicate so much of her time to little Josie in the hospital.
She said, “Kids have a way of coming along side of you, and helping you where your at.”
It made me understand and realize that kids don’t have the capacity to understand how we feel about parenting and the expectations we have for ourselves. They can’t, they aren’t parents yet. They do have the capacity to adapt, and come along side us no matter our circumstance.
(Jex and Stella circa 2006)
…and that’s what I’ve learned. When there are times that your super mom cape isn’t flapping in the wind just like you want, your kids have a way of coming along side of you and adapting to the speed your flying. Sometimes, they even put on capes of their own and grab your hand and help you pick up the speed you are desiring. They may even be ok with their cape not flapping at all, and just climb up beside you in your bed. Leaving their cape to rest on their back, while you read to them from the bed you’ve been told to stay in for a few weeks while you recover. What ever speed your cape is flying at, for whatever reason, kids learn to fly at your speed. They just want to fly with YOU. No matter how fast or slow you are going.
What a beautiful thing to have been blessed with children whose capacities don’t judge the speed or beauty of the aircraft. They just climb on board and go along for the ride.
Now, anyone have a remedy for this headache?
**Afterthought: Just after posting this, I found this post I wrote last year during my last health crisis. It is funny to me, that it also talks about my cape. I found it to be almost like Part 2 of this post or even part 1. You may enjoy reading it as well.)