The speed at which I’m flying, and I have a HEADACHE.

Like a serious migraine, like lay in the dark and wear your sunglasses, headache.

And….

And… I have had it since last Friday.  Yes.  Today is Friday.  So that means a week.

One week of straight headache.

I want to claw my eyes out, but then my husband reminds me that he likes my green eyes so I decide to keep them.

I have never had a headache this long, I guess it’s time to get that neck surgery huh?

There have been times in the last week that I have wanted to back out, and then I remember:

“Oh yeah, I have a headache, I think I’ll have that surgery.”

My head feels like this:

I want it to feel like this:

The main reason I have feelings of backing out of that surgery is because of my cute kiddos.

I just don’t want them to have to go through all of that again.  (remember the 3 surgeries last year?)

I hate that there are days that they make their own breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I hate that I’m not there to help with a project, or do their hair for a dance recital.

I don’t want to be the mom who parents from her bed AGAIN; while I recover.

Then, I remember I have a headache, and I’m pretty much doing that now anyway.

So…. what could it hurt.  This surgery will help(all of you are crossing your fingers right now, right?).  When it helps, I won’t have headaches for 7 days, and  I will be able to sit through all of church, and not feel like biting my own arm off.  I will feel like being the mom I want to be.  The one with the super mom cape flapping in the wind.  Ok, truthfully.  I really just envision being that mom, but very rarely pull it off.(neck pain or not)

The least I can do is try and hope this surgery will help.  If  I don’t go through with the surgery I will never know.  Then I’ll probably end up doing surgery on myself anyway.  You know, chewing off my own arm.

So… I’m going to STOP feeling guilty that my kids and husband won’t have me, or haven’t had me the way I think they should in the last few years.  It’s life, and what we go through is what defines us.

My little trial is not only defining me, but also my kids.  Even though it pains me, because I want to be able to do it for her, I love that my 5 year old can make her own lunch.  She’s got this.  She can pretty much take care of herself.  If it wasn’t against the law, I could probably leave her home alone, and she could run the whole household.

Just last night, we were working on the laundry together, as a whole family.  This week long headache was cause for me to call in the troops for laundry back-up.  Tess was telling all of the kids how to do it, what buttons to push, and which basket it goes in.  The older kids would argue with her, and I would have to say, “no, she is right.”  I finally said, “if you don’t know what you are doing, just listen to Tessa.”

Even though I thought it was a bad thing that I couldn’t do everything, look how great it turned out; Tess can do laundry.

I have learned through this process that we don’t, and can’t always be super mom.  Our life circumstances prevent us from being the person we want or imagine ourselves to be all the time.

….and THAT’S OK.

I recently heard a quote from Michelle Duggar(19 kids and counting).  She was referring to the time that they had their last baby Josie at 25 weeks.  She was talking about what it was like for her kids.  How life changed for them when Michelle had to dedicate so much of her time to little Josie in the hospital.

She said, “Kids have a way of coming along side of you, and helping you where your at.”

It made me understand and realize that kids don’t have the capacity to understand how we feel about  parenting and the expectations we have for ourselves.  They can’t, they aren’t parents yet.  They do have the capacity to adapt, and come along side us no matter our circumstance.

(Jex and Stella circa 2006)

…and that’s what I’ve learned.  When there are times that your super mom cape isn’t flapping in the wind just like you want, your kids have a way of coming along side of you and adapting to the speed your flying.  Sometimes, they even put on capes of their own and grab your hand and help you pick up the speed you are desiring.  They may even be ok with their cape not flapping at all, and just climb up beside you in your bed.  Leaving their cape to rest on their back, while you read to them from the bed you’ve been told to stay in for a few weeks while you recover.  What ever speed your cape is flying at, for whatever reason, kids learn to fly at your speed.  They just want to fly with YOU.  No matter how fast or slow you are going.

What a beautiful thing to have been blessed with children whose capacities don’t judge the speed or beauty of the aircraft.  They just climb on board and go along for the ride.

Now, anyone have a remedy for this headache?

**Afterthought: Just after posting this, I found this post I wrote last year during my last health crisis.  It is funny to me, that it also talks about my cape.  I found it to be almost like Part 2 of this post or even part 1.  You may enjoy reading it as well.)

one*six

16 long wonderful years.

Today marks 16 years spent with this wonderful man.

We were married around 11am, in the Manti,Utah temple, 16 years ago today.

It has been a long road.

There have been lots of ups and downs.

Marriage is not always easy, but even when it was hard; loving him was always easy.

I am so thankful for a man who is kind, sensitive, caring, and thoughtful.

When we got married, I was really young.  I was pretty naive.

I could have made a huge mistake in the husband picking department.

I am thankful that God helped guide my decision, and lead me to such a wonderful man; who is given me a beautiful life.

 

I love you Jonathan!

 

Thank you for 16 wonderful years.

House Tour- No. One’s Room

This post has been a long time coming.

I moved Jex down in the basement almost a year ago.  Remember when I shared what Stella’s room looked like after we moved them to the basement?

Well, it took me a while to feel like Jex’s room was ever completely finished.

It is finally there.

Jex’s room is really small, and we have one big bed in there so it makes it look even smaller.

We did that for two reasons:

1.  The bed was free.  It was my sister’s bed that she gave to us.  It had some ugly metal ironwork on it that I knocked out, and then I painted the pine looking wood gray.

2.  I like our rooms to have queen size beds for guests.

I do love how it all came together, even if it is a little squished together.  Maybe someday, he will have a bigger room and all this will have a little more space.

 

Jex loves his room.  It is his hangout space as it should be.  A 12 year old needs a space to chill, and be.

I love the colors we went with.

The sheets and comforter are from Target.

All the decorating pillows came from Ikea, with the exception of the deer head pillow which I made from a placemat found at Target.

Above his bed, we added this deer head found at Hobby Lobby.  It is nice that deer heads are the “in-thing” right now, as the men in my life are really into hunting.  Although I don’t think I could ever hang a real, hair-covered, eyes staring at you animal in my house, so we settle for the plastic resin kind.

The prints on either side are the finishing piece I have been waiting for in this room.  They are old maps that I found at an antique store in Houston when I went to visit my BFF this spring. 

The wood frames come from Hobby Lobby.

The two black circle mirrors have been hanging in my house for about 8 years now, but I still love them.  I love how it looks to have one on each wall.

The black dresser was also an Ikea purchase.

I think it was one of those “thinking cuss words, don’t really like to put together Ikea furniture” projects my husband so lovingly put together for me.  Y’all know how Ikea furniture can be.

We also found the lamps at Ikea. 

Y’all know how I love to use what I have around the house, so we are using an old suitcase for Jex’s nightstand.  I absolutely love it in here.

The bookshelf was something we had, and we all know that Jex needs a book shelf.  He loves books.

This has also become a spot for a few of his collections.

We used some of his geodes(or really cool rocks) as book ends.

 

He also scatters it with a few of his favorite little trinkets.

I loved seeing this tie tack loitering around on some old books on his shelf.

When we were putting this room together, it was important to Jex that he had a desk to do homework.

  

We found this small desk at Ikea and knew it was perfect.

It fits perfectly behind his door.  Space is limited so we have to use all the nooks and crannies.

 The orange chair from Ikea was a must to add a little pop of fun.

Then we used clipboards to hang his baseball cards.  I love this little corner.

Jex sits here often, and uses this space for art.  He is really growing a passion for art right now.

We littered his room with photos.  Of course, pictures are my signature decorating tool.

We made sure to add some of him playing baseball.  Black and White seemed like the best finish to print them in for this room.

I bought him this cheap guitar a long time ago, hoping that he would pick it up someday.  Still hasn’t picked it up.

It does look cool in his room, and brings in more of the earthy, woodsy, colors and feel.

These orange metal magnet squares have been in Jex’s room for a long time.  My dad built them for me years ago.  I still love them, and so they stay for now.

My favorite piece in this room is the rug.  The rug was the jumping off point for this room.  We started with the rug, and went from there.

Thanks for going through another room on our house tour.

You’re the best. 

In a time when it’s difficult to make time to read blogs, thanks for stopping by here.

Do you believe in angels?

I do. I didn’t really ever realize how much, until this last year. 

Last year, I laid in a hospital bed for several days.  I had just had an emergent, scary, and painful surgery, that came upon because of complications from a previous gall bladder surgery.

The pain I felt from having my stomach cut open was some of the worst pain I had ever felt.

Just one day after my surgery, the nurses wanted me to take a few steps down the hall.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I was in so much pain, I didn’t even know how I would get out of the bed.  I didn’t even know if I could wiggle my big toe, let alone walk. I had remembered reading that we can call upon the angels of heaven to help us. I believed this, but I had actually never used the phrase, “send the angels,” when asking for help from above.

Artwork by: Brian Kershisnik

That day, I put it to the test.  I prayed hard.  One of my most fervent prayers.  I prayed that angels would assist in helping me take a few steps.  I prayed that I could rely on their strength as I didn’t know if I had enough of my own.

That day, as the nurses lifted me up off the bed to walk, I felt a few extra sets of hands take hold.

I felt the angels pulling me and carrying me down that hall.  Doing what was asked of me seemed so much easier with the help of God’s heavenly helpers.

Since that day, I have a testimony that we can have heavenly help.  I am now saying, “send the angels” all the time in regards to motherhood.

I think the experience of understanding angels has prepared me for current situation.

I need to have surgery again.  Ugh!!  Seriously.  I am too young for this.

This has been a very hard decision to come to, and I needed heaven’s help to make this big decision.

In a nutshell, with out boring you with the details, I am having neck surgery.

I am having a cyst removed.  This cyst has been bothering me for quite some time.  It has gotten worse over the last couple of years, and it took until recently to discover what it was.

This cyst is at the T1 level(which is lower neck/shoulder area), of my spinal column.  The cyst is pushing on the nerve that comes out of that T1 level.  My nerve is basically kinked in half, and it is causing me a lot of pain.

I am also dealing with numbness, tingling, burning, and shooting pains down my arm. 

I have lived with this for a while, and tried to push through life. 

As it always does, chronic pain starts to take a toll.

We found a surgeon who has agreed that we should do the surgery.

I was warned of the risks, as it is a complicated area to get to.  It requires going through lots of layers, some of them riskier than others, and also messing with my nerves. 

With all that said, I needed to make a decision.

Risky Surgery or  worsening Chronic Pain for a lifetime.

I knew I had to turn to the Lord.  I needed to know what he wanted for me. I offered lots of prayers. 

Our family also fasted and prayed on my behalf.

I also attended the most peaceful and sacred place that we as members of the Mormon faith have here on earth; the temple.  I did this as a way to get closer to God.

I spent lots of time in prayer there, hoping that an answer would come.

God doesn’t always give me clear direct answers.  I think that is because he is saying, “either choice is fine.”

In times when it matters most, I have found he always answers me in a clear direct way.

This clear direct answer came as I was reading the scriptures.

Helaman 5:47-48

47 Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world.

48 And now, when they heard this they cast up their eyes as if to behold from whence the voice came; and behold, they saw the heavens open; and angels came down out of heaven and ministered unto them.

It is amazing to me how the scripture passages we need always seem to pop up at the right time. 

I know God speaks to us through the words in the scriptures.

God was telling me to have peace.  I could feel the peace settle in my heart as I read these words.  Then as I read the verse 48, I knew he was speaking directly to me.

Since that day in the hospital, I have tried to be so much more aware of the heavenly angels who help.  I know that God knows that, and he knew just how to speak to my heart.

“and behold, they saw the heavens open; and angels came down out of heaven and ministered unto them.”

As soon as I read these words, I knew that not only would the angels assist me in getting through this, but that they would also be of assistance to the surgeon and his staff. 

I would let an angel perform surgery on me any day.  So if they are going to be around to guide and help, I have the peace I need to move forward.

However, because God knows that I tend to question things, he reminded me of his answer again the next day when I stumbled upon this scripture:

John 14:27

27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

The Lord is the author of the peace.  Through him, I don’t need to be afraid.

Then, later that day, we attended church and we sang a beautiful song, which once again solidified my answer. Here are the beautiful words to this song:

When Faith Endures

I will not doubt, I will not fear;

God's love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

Through my faith in the Lord, I knew that I didn’t need to fear anymore.

When life brings trials such as this, I have found comfort in this scripture:

Matthew 11:28-30

28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

A yoke is a device put around the necks of animals to harness them together.  When they are yoked together they work together.  When one animal is weak, the strong one can help the weak one along.

When we are yoked with Christ, our burden really will be light.  He can and will help us along.  He can help us through the hard times; if we know him.

God gives us hard things so that we can be refined, so that we will turn to him and learn of him.

I need so much refining.  Maybe that’s the reason I will have had 4 surgeries in about 1 year.

In order to get through this and grow, I must know him.

I have relied on this scripture so much this last year.

See, it’s on my journal.

I made a printable for you, if you would like the reminder too. (click on the print to take you to the FREE download)

The reminder to be still, and know that he is the author of all.  The reminder to be still, and take the time to learn of him.  Learn of him, so that we can be yoked with him.  If we are yoked with him, he can make our burdens light.  Our burdens can be light when we ask him to send the angels to minister unto us.  He will give us the peace we need.

I know that there are many out there who are praying to Heavenly Father for relief, for help in carrying your burdens of grief, loneliness, and fear. Heavenly Father hears those prayers and understands your needs.

So, when in doubt remember the angels he promises to send. 

Call upon them, they are there to help.

365

April 24, 2015

Jex and Stella practicing their duet for their piano recital that is coming up.

April 25, 2015

I am loving the look of this new vintage scentsy warmer.  I like the way it makes my house smell too.

April 26, 2015

Hyde Park sunsets really are the best.  I even caught a jet going by in this photo.

April 27, 2015

Adding the final ingredient to our newly renovated token and reward system.

April 28, 2015

Stella marking off her chart for tokens.

April 29, 2015

This is my scripture journal.  I love what it says on the front.  When I dive into my scriptures, I am literally being still and knowing him.

April 30, 2015

This is where Tess sits each morning when she watches the kids leave on the bus.   Pretty soon it will be Tess leaving on the bus.  Boo. :(  (Ignore the fingerprints on the dirty windows.)

May 1, 2015

I have spent a lot of time at the kids school this week helping with teacher appreciation.  This is the little gift the kids are taking to school today for their teacher.

May 2, 2015

We got to spend the afternoon with cousins at a favorite spot; neptune park.

May 3, 2015

Jex just chilling at Grandmas on this Sunday afternoon.

May 4, 2015

We had the wonderful opportunity to visit the Payson Temple open house.  What a beautiful building.

May 5, 2015

When I walk into the garage I see all these ski’s lined up along the wall.  It’s crazy to think that they won’t be used again for a while.  It’s fun to see ski’s in all sizes.

May 6, 2015

I am learning that I can do hard things.  This is my new bracelet to remind me of that. 

May 7, 2015

I got some of my spring flowers planted in my pots today.  I love the color and joy they bring to our house.

It’s nice to be 1/3 of the way done with this goal of 365.  I am thankful to have all these pictures and memories recorded.