{Where to begin}

I know I promised that I wouldn't be lost from the blog world again, but somehow I feel of the wagon again.  Yes, I am still a little sick but that is not really what has kept me from sharing.  I have just been plain busy.  Well I guess you could call it missing in action.  I will soon be filling you in on all that has been going on in our life.  Tonight, however, I want to share from my soul.  Since I haven't felt like this in quite some time I am taking advantage of it.  The rest of our crazy life can come later.

Can I just say thank heavens for my IPOD and peaceful music.  After a long vacation, I am resuming my life again today.  Bills to pay, letters and emails to respond to, snacks for school, feeding the missionaries,and doctors visits.  That is where I went today.  It was my monthly checkup, but since it had been six weeks I was really looking forward to it. 

As the doctor went to search for the littlest Swenson's heartbeat, I started to panic.  It was taking way longer then I ever remember.  Then he said it, "I think it is time to check things out with an ultrasound." 

The next 45 minutes is what changed me today.  As many of you know, I am barely hanging on and surviving at the moment.  I am doing the bare minimum to survive.  Most of the time I am complaining the whole way.

Well today as I sat in the waiting room to hear that heartbeat, I had a lot of time to think.  This is where the IPOD comes in.  I knew I needed something to bring me some peace.  I flipped it on, during that time and I listened to my favorite.  A little Mindy for you?  or how about MoTab, "Be Still, My Soul?  then on to Jenny Phillips an LDS artist.  This song helped me think a little differently today.

I have shared the words here, if you would like them:

Maker, I call your name.  And I feel the breathe of life that you gave, move inside me, it reminds me I was molded and shaped by your hands.  And you make me all that I am, and in this quiet moment I long to know you more, and what the name maker is for.

Healer, I call your name and I inside I feel the dawn of a new day and your holy peace binds up all that is weak I have found a place of refuge in your arms.  There is a peace and there is a healing where you are and in this quiet moment I begin to know you more and what the name healer is for.

And the many names of grace wash over me.  Master of all names I know you hear me.

Savior, I call your name.  How you rescue me oh how you save.  You have gone below you rose up with hope and your wondrous love is pouring over me.  It is more then my spirit can receive.  In this quiet moment I come to know you more and what the name is Savior is for.  Oh, Savior I call your name.

As I sat in that room, I thought about the trials that we are given in life.  I knew that no matter where I went from here that the only way to get through it was with help from the Lord.

I was either leaving the doctor with a baby that did not survive, or one that was thriving.  How would I survive?  At that moment I knew.  It would be so hard, but I have a healer, a maker and a Savior to rely on.

Then it dawned on me that if the baby was thriving that I still had a trial on my hands.  That first trial that kept me from knowing if I could survive baby #4.  You see the fear of having 3 small children, and throwing up every day almost kept me from having a baby. 

I am still feeling sick, and I can rely on the Healer more.  I was reminded of the blessing that Jonathan gave me at 11 weeks.  That blessed me to have the strength to get through and rely on the Lord.  I must say that I haven't relied on him as much as I should.  I just try to survive, instead I should be using prayer to help each day seem easier.  I could use it for more patience with the kids, or ask for guidance when picking out something to eat.

It was time to find out which trial I would be facing.  I laid there with tears streaming down my face as I saw the heartbeat and heard it with me ears.

I sat in my car and contemplated the lesson I learned today.  I was reminded that the man with many names does not care what the trial is.... big or small... as long as we turn to him.  He already paid the price for all of our suffering, so why not use it?  Tonight, I am thankful for the reminder of the atonement and what it means to me, and for the gift of being a mother.

I hope that my testimony has enlightened your thoughts on the trials that you go through each day.  We all have somewhere to turn no matter how big or small they may seem to you.  If we are suffering, that is Big in his eyes.